Pretty sure my pediatrician cringes when he sees us in his appointments.

We had well checks today for both Hollywood and Captain Chaos.

Hollywood did great. Everything looks good. She politely answered all questions. She passed her hearing and vision screening. No scoliosis. Good.

Captain Chaos? How about some conversational snippets?

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<Dr. NiceGuy is listening to Chaos’ heart and lungs.>

Chaos: I have a little booty.

Dr. N: Mmmmm-hmmm.

Chaos: You have a big booty, huh?

Dr. N: relatively speaking, I suppose so.

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Dr. N: Can you name any of your body parts?

<Mommy is violently shaking her head>

Chaos <excited to know the answer, points to chest>: These are my nipples!

Dr. N: Okaaaaaaaay. Any others?

Chaos: Ummmmmm. No.

<Mommy holds head in hands>

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Chaos: Uh-oh. Potty!

<Mommy snatches Chaos up and races down the hall past nurses desk to bathroom>

Chaos: My underpants are wet.

<Mommy grabs a paper used for the changing table and wraps it around Chaos to walk back to exam room>

<Chaos walks back down the hall. Notices nurses watching him.>

Chaos <while waggling his booty>: You like mah skirt?

<Nurses erupt into hysterics. Mommy looks for a hole to crawl into.>

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Thank goodness we only have to go once a year for well-checks. He’s not usually as “funny” when we go for a sick visit. For the record, Chaos knows lots of body parts, he doesn’t own any skirts, and every time we have the booty conversation at home I remind him that’s it’s not nice to talk about other people’s bootys. Or their size. You know, just for the record.